Kendra, the renowned karaoke mogul and reptile translator to the stars, performed the piece and included the following dedication:

“For all Transition Village residents, alive or dead, reptile or human, and to the greatest of them all, our beloved Governor: SSSSSSSSIIITHHHHHFFFFRAAAAA!”

The performer noted that her anticipated single will release on either Shdhdhsaoa or Qqqyyyaaa. The exact date is yet to be determined. Keep an eye (and an ear) out for this great talent on the rise!

The opening celebrations were somewhat subdued, as the village is still in mourning for those lost in last week’s battle, when what has since come to be known as the flower force fought off the vicious rebel army. The rebels’ goal was to destroy and replace the Governor and prevent the living from ever entering the village again, but they were thwarted by a brave and determined group of travelers, lizards, snakes, rats, and villagers. Many brave creatures, dead and alive, were lost in the process.

In the course of the battle several important mysteries were solved. It was determined that the strange white trees that grew so rapidly in the northern part of the village are Frenghif trees, and that their fruits are extremely toxic to many ghosts. The flower force was able to use the blue Frenghif fruits to hold off the attacking ghosts, led by Erdu Skard, until the entire defending force could arrive. Many of the trees were damaged in the battle that ensued, but horticulturalist Arnold Plotter is currently caring for them and expects them all to make a full recovery.

Erdu Skard and his force were defeated after a long and grueling fight, but not before a dragon born of Erdu’s malice consumed the soul of villager Earl DeRosa. In a surprising twist, however, a more dangerous beast took action. Mrs. Nibbles, the ghost kitten assisting the travelers, leapt on the dragon, pinning and devouring it in moments. Earl’s soul was later removed from the kitten through the artistic efforts of visitor Jane Doh and her magic crayon, and Earl was revived by the ghost boy Billy, who sacrificed his own happiness to bring Earl back to life.

Repairs are currently being made to the burned sections of the church and the Governor’s mansion. Villagers held a service for those who lost their lives in the great battle, and tributes will be held throughout the month. The village would like to thank all those who assisted in defeating Erdu’s army, including the brave travelers who have since moved on to their next adventures.

Be sure to send your memorials, tributes, and other works of art to the Daniel G. Historical Ghost Museum. Museum staff, with the help of Transition Times editor and temporary curator Jan Smoulter, have created a website to display the most cherished works of art in the new collection.

Koli Xela has taken on the prestigious position of temporary blacksmith during his stay in the village. An expert archer, Koli can also perform simple magic tricks with coins and sprinkle cookie crumbs with precision. He has agreed to serve as the newest “villager” in the Transition Times regular Villager Spotlight:

TT: Explain your name and what it means.

KOLI: Koli, my given name, is an homage to the Norse god of mischief. Unlike many mischievous deities this god is known for his trickery, having a positive outcome or lesson learned by the recipient. My surname is actually a basic encryption of my actual given name.

TT: What meal or dessert should every one of our readers prepare and eat while reading this edition of Transition Times? Please provide the recipe.

KOLI: Being a person of exquisite taste and simple pleasures it would be my suggestion that any person reading this edition of Transition Times do so with grace and dignity… and a piece of Butterfinger pie. For those of you who do not know how to make this heavenly and simple to execute dish I will include the instructions.

Butterfinger pie

Ingredients:

2 Butterfinger candy bars
1 Jar of Cool Whip
1 Chocolate graham cracker crust (or your preferred graham cracker crust)

Mash the two Butterfinger bars into small chunks; the level of mashing is a personal preference, though I usually demolish the bars to a powder level.

Open the jar of Cool Whip.

Mix the crushed Butterfinger bars into the Cool Whip, mix until completely combined.

Pour the Butterfinger Cool Whip mix into the graham cracker crust, cover and chill in the refrigerator overnight.

Cut and serve!

It’s a quick creation and people LOVE it!

TT: What do you like to do for enjoyment when you aren’t saving the world?

KOLI: When I’m not saving the Governor from the assassination attempts by the cowardly ghosts revolting within Transition Village, I fill my spare time in another realm, the realm of Spinebreaker, working with my fellow Blood Elves for the betterment of the Horde. I am currently lending my bow and the assistance of my ghostly tiger, Kitty, to a guild of like-minded individuals intent on the removal of the Lich King from his Frozen Throne; we have removed his minions up to the deadly dracolich that guards the final entrance to his lair. Soon he will meet his fate. Other nights I join a few trusted fellows to partake in karaoke at the local tavern. This has become a weekly affair.

TT: In the realm of conspiracies, myths, and general legendary confusion, what unanswered question has always intrigued you the most, and why?

KOLI: I am a fan of mythology and hidden secrets. The one that fascinates me the most is the mystery of Atlantis. I have always loved the fact that there are references to this land throughout history yet we can find no real information on it. My favorite ancient site is, and always will be, Stonehenge. It’s a magical place and I was incredibly happy to get the chance to see it up close and touch it! (It’s an added expense and requires you to book your visit far in advance but it is completely worth it!)

TT: Koli, what do you bring to the table?

KOLI: Traditionally I bring paper, pencil, dice, a diet soda and a sociopathic character to the table. (It’s probably better if you don’t ask)

If you would like to be interviewed for the Villager Spotlight, email transitionvillageATgmailDOTcom to be considered. Be sure to type Villager Spotlight in the subject.

There will be a man who speaks in riddles; he will share important thoughts. He’ll trade with you for fiddles and the porcelain things you’ve bought.

CANCER June 22-July 23

For all your trying, you’ll soon be rewarded with sparkling gifts. Alas, you won’t like them. Pawn shops usually buy those kinds of things, though. At least there’s that.

LEO July 24-Aug 23

Be careful when talking to your boss this week. People returning from vacation can be a little more prickly than usual, and there’s no sense in getting her going.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23

Expect a strong breeze to knock your beverage over. It’ll be frustrating, but if you make a big fuss you might get an even bigger one for free.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23

Buy some earplugs. Those children from down the street just got a new box of firecrackers, and kids these days just don’t have any respect for others.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22

It will do you well to take some time this week and interact with strangers. That is, unless you’re a child. If you’re a child, you should never talk to strangers (especially the ones who tell you your parents can’t tell the future by looking at stars, son).

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 21

You’re going to have a great week. You always do, because you’re so smashingly, cosmically good-looking. Congratulations!

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 20

A beautiful fling from your past will call you this week. Unfortunately, this person will be looking for someone’s phone number.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19

The stars are tangled up in dreams this week. Remember: the snooze button isn’t a toy, and you should use it it with great caution.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20

Congratulations! You’ll be the first human to make contact with an alien from outer space this week! It’s a shame that you’ll confuse the visitor for a bug and squish him, isn’t it? So much wisdom wasted…

ARIES Mar 21-April 20

Exercise patience this weekend. A brash, drunken fool will test yours when he sits in your seat at the game and refuses to leave.

TAURUS April 21-May 21

Great news! You’re going to be a father! You’re a woman, you say? Well… it’s all the more exciting. You’re a real trailblazer. Glass ceiling be damned!

**These horoscopes are authored by Nuri Simza. Before becoming a ghost, Nuri was a traveling gypsy fortune teller who once drove his wagon across the entire continent of Africa. He has told the fortunes of kings and commoners alike, and now generously lends his skills for the benefit of our villagers**

2.)
Remember me as I was
Only forget all the bad stuff
For example, my belching ‘condition’
Leave me flowers, too.

3.)
Living can only last so long
Miss me, please, when I am gone
Always dance to our favorite song
Only, not with your ex-boyfriend, Shawn.

4.)
Our lives are filled with
Magic and happy fun times
Granted you must die.

5.)
Tell them I was awesome
Tell them what I want
Yell it from the roof tops
Lest you I will haunt.

“I think imaginary numbers is a misnomer. I don’t think they’re imaginary at all. Everyone can see them…right?”

A reader writes:

“Judging by the way he eats, I’m fairly certain that my co-worker is the result of a successful human/pig gene splice experiment.”

A reader writes:

“Who wants to put together a model-sized SR-71 Blackbird when you could put together a life-sized SR-71 Blackbird?”

A reader writes:

“Why is it that dragons are the only creatures that can breathe fire? That kind of skill would really come in handy when I’m trying to start a campfire.”

A reader writes:

“Are there really gnomes who steal socks, or is there something more sinister going on in my house? This is a serious question.”

If you have something you’d like to vent, email transitiontimesnewspaper@gmail.com with one line that sums up your frustration. Be sure to type The Vent in the subject line.

Erdu Skard
“Let’s get GOING.”

Erdu Skard is a member of the Skard family dynasty. Many remark that he is the exact opposite of his brother in every way. Erdu keeps to himself, participating in Transition Village affairs only when the Governor requires it of all ghosts. Otherwise, he is mainly seen skulking around town with one or two of the village’s most unfavorable citizens.

The Skard family still boasts living members today, though most have long since passed on to Transition Village. Erdu and his brother have reportedly not been on speaking terms since the great fire of the village ten years ago. The details of their rift are unknown.
_____________

For next week’s Villager Spotlight, we are bringing… You? to our readers!

If you would like to be interviewed for the Villager Spotlight, email transitionvillageATgmailDOTcom to be considered. Be sure to type Villager Spotlight in the subject.

You are destined for greatness. This week will lay the foundation for a fine new life. That is, of course, unless you miss your chance. You didn’t miss your chance, did you?

CANCER June 22-July 23

A fateful encounter with a spirit from your past will give you a sense of comfort. Don’t get too comfortable, though. That spirit follows you all of the time, and has probably seen you in the shower.

LEO July 24-Aug 23

The stars have shown me your future, and it looks tasty. Frozen yogurt topped with fruit will soon find its way to your tummy.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23

Make sure you have a clean bathing suit and some waterproof bandages when the weekend comes. You’re pretty good at belly flops, but you still haven’t quite mastered that front flip.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23

The stars shine brightly in your constellation this week, which means you should probably double check your lights before heading out. We all have to do our part to conserve energy, and if those stars are any indicator, you’ve been slacking.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22

Prepare yourself for the fight of your life. The most tenacious fly in all of the world will fly about your face, making you look like a fool as you try to swat it away. Remember: your victory will be far sweeter than looking cool in front of the cute, new hire in accounting.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 21

You’re going to have a great week. You always do, because you’re so smashingly, cosmically good-looking. Congratulations!

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 20

For your sacrifice and toil, you will be rewarded. For those horrible things you said about your mother-in-law, you’ll be in the dog house.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19

This is the week that you’ll finally try something new. I suggest a bagel with bananas, peanut butter, and honey. Suit yourself, though; no one can tell when you’ll work up the courage again.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20

The stars show sweat and fatigue in your future. Sounds like your neighbor is going to move something heavy and ask for your help. Don’t bother pretending you’re not home. Your car’s outside, and they heard your TV, anyhow.

ARIES Mar 21-April 20

This week, you’ll learn the spell that lets you transport other characters instantly. Use this to your advantage. People will pay good money not to have to ride that stupid boat all the way to Selbina.

TAURUS April 21-May 21

Forget everything I’ve ever told you. The stars have shown me that your horoscopes have been inaccurate, and only this week will they begin to hit the mark. I’m sorry about that, but it’s an imprecise pseudoscience. Let’s face it. I’m probably more accurate than your local weatherman, and I don’t even have the SuperDoppler2600 Ultra.

**These horoscopes are authored by Nuri Simza. Before becoming a ghost, Nuri was a traveling gypsy fortune teller who once drove his wagon across the entire continent of Africa. He has told the fortunes of kings and commoners alike, and now generously lends his skills for the benefit of our villagers**

“My superpower would be the ability to control karma. Some people need to get what’s going around to come around sooner.”

A reader writes:

“I hate it when I leave the cat in the knife drawer; by the time I’ve retraced my steps, she’s cut her own way out. It just makes me look like such a fool.”

A reader writes:

“One of these days I’m going to blow the cover on this whole Miley vs. Hanna Montana thing. Mark my words: they are DEFINITELY related to each other.”

A reader writes:

“Car horns should be put on a plan like text messaging. Ten free honks a month and $0.10 a honk after that. No free nights and weekends. In fact, honk fees should go up after 7:00pm to $0.15 a honk.”

A reader writes:

“It’s too much jelly! I keep telling him and telling him, but every morning he puts half a jar on!”

Ranged Garden
“Please forgive the nasty encounter that occurred above-oven.”

Ranged Garden is loved by some and disliked by others in Transition Village. An undeniably charming fellow, his past is a mystery. The Governor documents each ghost’s life story but leaves the sharing of such information up to the ghost him or herself. Mr. Garden consistently – and politely – declines to comment on his life.

In his afterlife, Mr. Garden has taken up several odd jobs, mainly involving persuasion tactics for ghosts who lack his overwhelming charisma. Most recently Mr. Garden has been seen in the company of Miss Sepsis, though their connection to one another is unclear. Characteristically, Mr. Garden will not explain his business with the beloved pie artist.