Horoscopes for the week of 9-6-10

GEMINI May 22-June 21

There will be a man who speaks in riddles; he will share important thoughts. He’ll trade with you for fiddles and the porcelain things you’ve bought.

CANCER June 22-July 23

For all your trying, you’ll soon be rewarded with sparkling gifts. Alas, you won’t like them. Pawn shops usually buy those kinds of things, though. At least there’s that.

LEO July 24-Aug 23

Be careful when talking to your boss this week. People returning from vacation can be a little more prickly than usual, and there’s no sense in getting her going.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23

Expect a strong breeze to knock your beverage over. It’ll be frustrating, but if you make a big fuss you might get an even bigger one for free.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23

Buy some earplugs. Those children from down the street just got a new box of firecrackers, and kids these days just don’t have any respect for others.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22

It will do you well to take some time this week and interact with strangers. That is, unless you’re a child. If you’re a child, you should never talk to strangers (especially the ones who tell you your parents can’t tell the future by looking at stars, son).

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 21

You’re going to have a great week. You always do, because you’re so smashingly, cosmically good-looking. Congratulations!

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 20

A beautiful fling from your past will call you this week. Unfortunately, this person will be looking for someone’s phone number.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19

The stars are tangled up in dreams this week. Remember: the snooze button isn’t a toy, and you should use it it with great caution.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20

Congratulations! You’ll be the first human to make contact with an alien from outer space this week! It’s a shame that you’ll confuse the visitor for a bug and squish him, isn’t it? So much wisdom wasted…

ARIES Mar 21-April 20

Exercise patience this weekend. A brash, drunken fool will test yours when he sits in your seat at the game and refuses to leave.

TAURUS April 21-May 21

Great news! You’re going to be a father! You’re a woman, you say? Well… it’s all the more exciting. You’re a real trailblazer. Glass ceiling be damned!

**These horoscopes are authored by Nuri Simza. Before becoming a ghost, Nuri was a traveling gypsy fortune teller who once drove his wagon across the entire continent of Africa. He has told the fortunes of kings and commoners alike, and now generously lends his skills for the benefit of our villagers**

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